Nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain.

I'm seeing one couple breaking up after another. How cruel can this world be? But then again, life isn't a bed of roses. If there are ups in life, there's bound to be downs as well. This world is beautiful. And as beautiful as it may be, it isn't perfect. Perhaps that's one of the lowest event in their life - Break up.

I woke up this morning, feeling anxious for practical exam. I don't wanna screw it up, I want to do well. Practical would be the only one along with MCQ that'd help to pull my science marks up. I went into the bathroom, washed up & showered, did my hair & came out. While waiting for B to come over, I decided to surf net to kill time. I went on Friendster & started hopping from profiles to profiles. Replied comments, left comments for the birthday girls. I went into Jacq's profile, then into her sister's. Went into her blog & linked to Jacq's.

Whilst reading, I was tearing silently. Dad took leave to accompany Zel today, he was in the living room, watching telly. I was hoping he doesn't charge in anytime soon like he always do. I don't know why but I just cannot have my loved ones being hurt, seeing them getting hurt. Not just Jacq in this situation but Jon as well. Maybe you say I'm too young to salvage this love but that isn't what I wanna do. I'm not in the right position to do such a thing. I just wanna share their pain, be there for them. It applies to my friends as well. As I went on reading, I teared more.

The other night, after we had dinner at SSC's coffeehouse, Jon & I were in the arcade, playing video games. He kept saying that he's tired, wanna head home. Maybe I'm sensitive, I felt as though he just wanted to be home, have an early night & not think about anything else. After that, we got bored & went to sit around with the rest near the pool. Dad was on my left & Jon on my right. I was stoning, then I don't know how but trails of thoughts led to thinking of how Jon must've been feeling at that moment. I still haven't recover from the shock I had from Laojie when she told me the news on Sunday then. I was eager (I know, you'll say I'm kpo. Thanks ah! -.-) to know why the break up. I want to know, I want to be there for him like how he was always there to listen to me when I rant. Maybe not all the time but he's like a big brother to me. I always remember his words, how he said that he'd be there when I get into any sorts of trouble.

To be absolutely honest, (pardon me, Shu Fen) at times I dare not get too close to him 'cos I know, I were his girlfriend, I'd feel insecure, from the way he plays with his cousins (aka me, Merlz, whoever). I kinda understand that feeling but I just cannot bring myself away from him because to me, he's like my own brother. So I play with him as I like to 'cos he's my brother. I told mom about it today, how I felt to this shocking piece of news. She told me it's fate. And I agreed.

Who knows? One day I might be in this situation as well..

Wednesday 171007


The message on the flower.

Left: I took this, randomly. Right: The flower

Left: My mom, being retarded. Right: My family

Went to school in the morning. Did maths & all. Went for lunch later on with Xiuwen & Cecilia It's nice being them! Sass came later on to meet us. They left for school to meet Mrs Ong while I headed to the LRT station with Sass. Went home, she got her stuff printed & left. All of a sudden, the house became quiet & really peaceful Lonely, I am so lonely. I have nobody for my own.

I did this to attract your attention.
Click here
My sale post (: Hee.

Thursday 181007
Met B in the morning for breakfast. Cold war 'til an hour before the paper. Headed down to school with Jac while B went to shop around at VivoCity. Waited for Sass to come & we went into school. Qiaos came, went up to the IT Resource Room at around 1230pm, talked & studied 'til it was our turn. Practical was alright. Chem was like the ultra killaz. Bio was alright. After the paper, it was raining very heavily, like cats & dogs, monkeys & donkeys. B had an umbrella, Qiaos too so we sheltered to the overhead bridge to take a bus to Compass. We were all drenched though we had umbrella with us. Our shoes have got holes! Hahah.

They wanted to eat Mac's but B cannot 'cos she's having a bad sore throat. And we had Mac's in the morning already. So we headed up to the food court to ear instead. We argued for like at least 15 minutes before we settled down. It was fucking embarrassing but I couldn't be bothered. Ate & stuff, things got better. Nel, Sass & Qiaos came up to find us. Sat around & talked. 0530pm, Nel went to find Mariel & we all went back. B accompanied me to go Boon Keng to get my cardigan (!!). Now it's with her, heh :) Yay happy me!

Came home, Jermaine called so I talked to her. She's so adorable Showered, skipped dinner. Talked to mummy & watched tv.

B was supposed to come over tomorrow & have lunch but since Daddy's on leave again, I shall stay home & accompany him. While I was talking to mom just now, she sounded as though she was gonna bring me out when she comes back from work so yay!

I've worked out my timetable for Nov, after Os end Hooray! I'll get them up here tomorrow or something. I'm tired. -yawns


I'm skipping Maths tomorrow. No one's going again so I shan't be an idiot. As much as I want to go, I'm a little lazy to wake up so early in the morning. Heh. I have a lot of mosquito bites on my legs. There's one on my feet that hurts fucking badly. Grrr! K I shall turn in now. Goodnight loves :)

Let the fun and games begin
She is spayed and broken in
Skin is cold and white
Such a lovely lonely night

Labels: emo, emotional ramblings, emotions, photos, school, thursday, wednesday

(12) days to the start of O's!
(8) days to Science practical paper!



Because I'm lost in the black, I don't know where I am.

Tuesday 091007
Spent the whole morning talking to the rest Miss Ang is so funny. And she is really nice! After recess, we had SS. It was okay in the beginning & slowly, it starts to get boring. I slept for a little before dismissal. Went to art room to get our questions for Art paper II.

Met baby after school Us + Shijing walked to Compass together. We were stressed over the topics we should do on for the drawing & painting paper. Shijing went to take bus home while baby & I had lunch at the food court. Yummy, it's been a long time since I had lunch there. Ban mian aka handmade noodles - My fav Walked around after lunch, sat at our usual spot. Had random talk & all. Saw Nette & Shantal. Miss them a lot Went to get ice-cream from Mac's, walked around & went home.

Studied for Bio practical. I don't know what to study, seriously. I see what I have in the Biology practical worksheet, I just study :/ Ugh.

Wednesday 101007
School was alright. English in the morning again with Miss Ang. She is funny. Her actions & face expression tickles. Recess was fun, all of us ate unlike other days. We had Art after that. It was pretty relaxing. I saw a book on Photoshop tutorials!! I was so tempted to borrow it but I know Miss Teh wouldn't allow

After school, we took a bus to Compass. Collected the cake. Bought the present. Did all the necessaries outside Mos. Sass, Yj & her sister, Yaomin came. Sang birthday song for Yj, cut the cake & ate. Serene came, Tricia came later on. Sat around to talk 'til around 3plus & went home after that.

Tomorrow will be the last day we're gonna have recess together as SJC students in this familiar school compound. Emotions? Mixed. I'm both happy & upset. I know I'd miss them like fuck. After we all go in our separate ways, I'd be more of less restricted. Things that I used to do, how I used to be behave, I have to change my ways. New friends/classmates wouldn't be as open as they are. I doubt I'd feel as comfy as I did with them. 5 years.. I hope we'll always keep in touch & be as close as how we are right now.

You won't find happiness, if you won't let go.
I've let it go. I've come to accept the fact that we're no longer one. But I have so many questions to ask you, unanswered. I don't know if I wanna ask but I want it answered in the way I wanna hear it. I know the answers I'd get would be negative though :/ I don't know..


I thought I saw you today. My heart skipped a beat. I felt relieved when I found out it wasn't you. Our argument was so fucking stupid & unnecessary. I don't need you & for this, I'm sure. I deserve better.

I'm a little down right now. I'll upload the photos the next time round, alright? Sorry girls. The pain in the eye is here, but this time, it's on the left eye. I hope it goes away in no time. It's really annoying & painful. School tomorrow. Maths in the morning, Chem after recess. Yay I love Maths! Imma' go talk to baby now. Goodnight♥

P/s: It's Yaojun's 18th birthday tomorrow, Zel's (stinky) 11th birthday tomorrow!

I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you
Where are you now,
I can hear footsteps I'm dreaming
And if you will,
Keep me from waking to believe this.

Labels: art, baby, emotional ramblings, emotions, girlfriend, j, school, study, tuesday, wednesday

Shuhui Shut up. I will kill you if .. knows -.- And we're not .. okay. So shh!
Beatrice Err _bitterbeauty :) That is more for public entries, comments & shopping! Heh!
Yf Codes? Of?
Sara Good luck love! Heh yay thanks! We'll talk more when you're over & done with exams allright? :) Much loved!
April Didn't I tell you that Blogger was down for me 'cos of SingNet & I blogged temporary at Lj?!!
Cherine Lovelove for Cherine (:

The kind of flawless I wish I could be.



To be upset over what you don't have, is a waste of what you do have.

I will remember never to cry when you've decided to walk out on me any time from now. I will remember never to feel upset when you've decided to tell me we've come to the end of yet another chapter of my life of you & I. I will not whine for more of you, more of Glynis I knew when she was with you in this chapter, more of you & I together in this chapter.

Because holding onto something that is dying, doesn't help to keep it alive. At times like these, I just gotta say goodbye, turn away, dry my tears & never look back.

Oh this guy here is such a sweet boyfriend. His girlfriend is so blessed! The videos are so sweet & all. Awww (:

It's amazing how you can make me think so much an hour ago & after that, you got me smiling like an idiot to my cellphone.

I had a moment of lost, a moment of uncertainty, a moment of fear, a moment of losing someone this afternoon. A total mixture of emotions all at one time. My heart throbbing so rapid. I stared at the text, had questions in my head. I put the phone down, continued with what I was doing with half my mind wandering off with the questions I have. Not 'til the third text came, I felt so relieved. I wish you knew how that actually felt like.

Chinese program officially starts today. Hello to more Chinese papers. I am like playing the Guess-the-Answers game. I'm going to try my best every now & then for every paper given during this time until Chinese Os. Wing got an A1!! 'Cos she got Chinese tuition. Hahaha oh Maths tuition with Bestaye's tutor starts this coming Thursday (: I'm excited. I'm finally having a proper tutor with fixed timetable though the fees are about thrice of how much I pay Miss Tan. But that's because Miss Tan has been teaching for about.. seven years now? Yeh so she charges my fees a lot cheaper (:

Got back my Chinese & English today, C5 for both (: I'm quite happy for my Chinese. And I realised today, maybe I should have realised it long ago but I just didn't, that my parents will never be happy with whatever I do. Things that I've done right, made they happy, they'll never remember but things that I've done wrongly, in the wrong way, they'll remember it all their lives. It's not just friends, I thought was just the fucking friends that I have who does that. But now it's isn't seem that way anymore.

Zel failed all her fucking subjects except for Maths which she barely passed by 4 marks. I was trying to reason it out with mom, keep trying to help Zel & what do I get? Screamed straight in my fucking face. Why? Because I do not know how to guide her in her studies. Because I gave up teaching her after trying so hard. Because I'm a bad example. Because I'm on the comp on day. Because whatever I have, she also wants so I shouldn't want or have anything. Because to them, in their eyes, I was supposed to be perfect but never was & Zel will always be that perfect one. I'm always at fault. Since when I weren't? Because when I try, they don't see it. Because when I do well, it wasn't even well enough for them to consider it's good for them to be happy about.

I was never able to make you happy, was I?

If I knew this would happen, I wouldn't wanna try, I wouldn't bother so much to keep mending up the gaps between us. If I knew you couldn't be bothered with your academic results at all, I shouldn't even bother to take so much time out to help you, to keep drilling this formula, that formula into your head. If I knew I'd be getting all these from the three of you, I wouldn't hug mummy when she cry, I wouldn't comfort Zel when she was so afraid, I wouldn't tell Daddy to be take care of himself, eat more 'cos I miss that fat tummy Dad of mine, have a great day at work & let him know that I care & do love him after all. I wouldn't get Mummy the whole tray of donuts when I go down to town. I wouldn't at all.

You said I was shit, shit to you. You said it, I heard it, two others in the room heard it too. I was useless to you, how fucked up a daughter I am to you. How many times have I been hurt by you verbally? Your diction tries to hit the softest, most fragile part of me. How I always tell myself these words should've lost its prick now, the vicious effect after a good ol'17 years. Secretly, I do wanna be heard. Why? Why do I always get this whenever I try? Have I not try hard enough to make you happy? Have I not try hard enough to not let Daddy scold me, so he'd collapse one day at my feet? Have I not been hiding my emotions so you'll still see me happy though everyone else could see that I'm so drained, so upset & moodless? How many times do I have to hide at a corner & cry, hide the tissue paper I've used? Do you even know? Do you not know every other night your daughter cries like a child over several issues?

We need to stop this. I need to move on. I hope I'd get over this in 3 hours' time. I'm sorry not because I am not perfect but sorry for being the daughter you wished you never own. This has been hell for you, you & you? It weren't easy for me either.


The only person who made me feel a little better was Jvern. Thanks a lot, you tried I know. All the best for your Maths paper one tomorrow allright? Don't panic, just relax♥ Eden writes really well by the way. Her lj is super good read. I'm gonna go sleep now. Goodnight everyone.

[Edited]
Fuck. If Wing hadn't mention about it, I would have forgotten. There's class photoshoot tomorrow. And the question is.. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE PHOTOS WITH MY EYES LIKE THAT! Okay I seriously hope the swell subsides by tomorrow morning.

P/s: Looking forward to our movie & lunch date :D Teehee
[/Edited]

I can remember parking lot nights.
What did they mean to you?
Wrapping my arms around your body,
protecting and holding you.

Labels: chinese program, edited, emotions, monday, mummy'sbirthday, results, Sad, tears