Shuhui Shut up. I will kill you if .. knows -.- And we're not .. okay. So shh!
Beatrice Err _bitterbeauty :) That is more for public entries, comments & shopping! Heh!
Yf Codes? Of?
Sara Good luck love! Heh yay thanks! We'll talk more when you're over & done with exams allright? :) Much loved!
April Didn't I tell you that Blogger was down for me 'cos of SingNet & I blogged temporary at Lj?!!
Cherine Lovelove for Cherine (:

The kind of flawless I wish I could be.



To be upset over what you don't have, is a waste of what you do have.

I will remember never to cry when you've decided to walk out on me any time from now. I will remember never to feel upset when you've decided to tell me we've come to the end of yet another chapter of my life of you & I. I will not whine for more of you, more of Glynis I knew when she was with you in this chapter, more of you & I together in this chapter.

Because holding onto something that is dying, doesn't help to keep it alive. At times like these, I just gotta say goodbye, turn away, dry my tears & never look back.

Oh this guy here is such a sweet boyfriend. His girlfriend is so blessed! The videos are so sweet & all. Awww (:

It's amazing how you can make me think so much an hour ago & after that, you got me smiling like an idiot to my cellphone.

I had a moment of lost, a moment of uncertainty, a moment of fear, a moment of losing someone this afternoon. A total mixture of emotions all at one time. My heart throbbing so rapid. I stared at the text, had questions in my head. I put the phone down, continued with what I was doing with half my mind wandering off with the questions I have. Not 'til the third text came, I felt so relieved. I wish you knew how that actually felt like.

Chinese program officially starts today. Hello to more Chinese papers. I am like playing the Guess-the-Answers game. I'm going to try my best every now & then for every paper given during this time until Chinese Os. Wing got an A1!! 'Cos she got Chinese tuition. Hahaha oh Maths tuition with Bestaye's tutor starts this coming Thursday (: I'm excited. I'm finally having a proper tutor with fixed timetable though the fees are about thrice of how much I pay Miss Tan. But that's because Miss Tan has been teaching for about.. seven years now? Yeh so she charges my fees a lot cheaper (:

Got back my Chinese & English today, C5 for both (: I'm quite happy for my Chinese. And I realised today, maybe I should have realised it long ago but I just didn't, that my parents will never be happy with whatever I do. Things that I've done right, made they happy, they'll never remember but things that I've done wrongly, in the wrong way, they'll remember it all their lives. It's not just friends, I thought was just the fucking friends that I have who does that. But now it's isn't seem that way anymore.

Zel failed all her fucking subjects except for Maths which she barely passed by 4 marks. I was trying to reason it out with mom, keep trying to help Zel & what do I get? Screamed straight in my fucking face. Why? Because I do not know how to guide her in her studies. Because I gave up teaching her after trying so hard. Because I'm a bad example. Because I'm on the comp on day. Because whatever I have, she also wants so I shouldn't want or have anything. Because to them, in their eyes, I was supposed to be perfect but never was & Zel will always be that perfect one. I'm always at fault. Since when I weren't? Because when I try, they don't see it. Because when I do well, it wasn't even well enough for them to consider it's good for them to be happy about.

I was never able to make you happy, was I?

If I knew this would happen, I wouldn't wanna try, I wouldn't bother so much to keep mending up the gaps between us. If I knew you couldn't be bothered with your academic results at all, I shouldn't even bother to take so much time out to help you, to keep drilling this formula, that formula into your head. If I knew I'd be getting all these from the three of you, I wouldn't hug mummy when she cry, I wouldn't comfort Zel when she was so afraid, I wouldn't tell Daddy to be take care of himself, eat more 'cos I miss that fat tummy Dad of mine, have a great day at work & let him know that I care & do love him after all. I wouldn't get Mummy the whole tray of donuts when I go down to town. I wouldn't at all.

You said I was shit, shit to you. You said it, I heard it, two others in the room heard it too. I was useless to you, how fucked up a daughter I am to you. How many times have I been hurt by you verbally? Your diction tries to hit the softest, most fragile part of me. How I always tell myself these words should've lost its prick now, the vicious effect after a good ol'17 years. Secretly, I do wanna be heard. Why? Why do I always get this whenever I try? Have I not try hard enough to make you happy? Have I not try hard enough to not let Daddy scold me, so he'd collapse one day at my feet? Have I not been hiding my emotions so you'll still see me happy though everyone else could see that I'm so drained, so upset & moodless? How many times do I have to hide at a corner & cry, hide the tissue paper I've used? Do you even know? Do you not know every other night your daughter cries like a child over several issues?

We need to stop this. I need to move on. I hope I'd get over this in 3 hours' time. I'm sorry not because I am not perfect but sorry for being the daughter you wished you never own. This has been hell for you, you & you? It weren't easy for me either.


The only person who made me feel a little better was Jvern. Thanks a lot, you tried I know. All the best for your Maths paper one tomorrow allright? Don't panic, just relax♥ Eden writes really well by the way. Her lj is super good read. I'm gonna go sleep now. Goodnight everyone.

[Edited]
Fuck. If Wing hadn't mention about it, I would have forgotten. There's class photoshoot tomorrow. And the question is.. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE PHOTOS WITH MY EYES LIKE THAT! Okay I seriously hope the swell subsides by tomorrow morning.

P/s: Looking forward to our movie & lunch date :D Teehee
[/Edited]

I can remember parking lot nights.
What did they mean to you?
Wrapping my arms around your body,
protecting and holding you.

Labels: chinese program, edited, emotions, monday, mummy'sbirthday, results, Sad, tears